broken

*Please excuse this post. It’s been a past couple weeks and I need a vent session*

I’ve been feeling so broken lately. I have all of these cracks on my heart and it seems like lately they’ve just gone deeper and deeper. 

Are the teenager years supposed to be so confusing? So teary eyed?

I am SO blessed. I know that. I have a relationship with Jesus Christ, an able body, an amazing family and friends, a roof over my head and food. With extra on the side.

Why is it that although I have all of these things, no matter how hard I try, something happens that makes my depression start coming back. Why is that??

I thought I was over this. I’m better than this wallowing pit of self pity…right?

The worst part is, it’s really not a big deal. It’s really not. It’s painful and it hurts but it’s not as big of a deal as I’m making it to be. Words just hurt, you know? Especially when they come from someone you have a lot of respect for and love a lot.

So now I feel like my cracks are getting deeper and deeper and soon I’ll just fall apart and not have the strength to get back up again.

xx

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because i’m too lazy to pick up a pencil

This is something that has really been on my heart personally. If you’re reading this, please stop. This WOULD be a journal entry but my hands hurt and honestly typing is a lot easier. So here goes.

Something that has been on my heart lately, is that my dad died alone. A lot of people are able to have someone hold their hand, tell them they love them, and be there to support them. But my dad? He didn’t have that. No one told me this of course, but from the research I did on my dad and his death he would’ve been in agonizing pain as the medicine kicked in. And I hate, hate, hate that. I hate that not only did he die at 38 with no one to be there for him, he was in agonizing pain. And since he wasn’t a Christian, he still is to this day. I can’t explain the pain I have gone through and struggled with knowing that he wasn’t a Christian. Of course, it gets better and the wounds aren’t raw and bleeding and open but it still hurts.

I truly hope that you didn’t read this. But if you did, you just read some very personal stuff there. So…congrats?

xx

break me

Lately… lately I have been feeling alone and unfulfilled. I’m surrounded by people who love me, yet I feel so alone. I’m plagued and haunted by things that I should get over and move on with..but some how I can’t. I have no motivation to write on my journals or to do anything. I’m finding that coffee dates and only worshipping on Sunday mornings aren’t enough. I feel as if God is testing me..testing how long I am going to go on relying on myself before I break and cling to Him and His mercies. Lord Jesus, BREAK ME. Open me up, sort through my thoughts and arrange my actions so that they glorify You and I reflect your love.

xx

millions and trillions

Have you ever thought about how miniscule and rather un-important you are in the grand scheme of things?

If you think of your city. {I live in the 4th largest city in America} and the millions of people in it. Then your state, then your country, then your world. There are 4.7 BILLION people in the world right now. And then if you think of the earth…how truly small it is compared to Saturn, and how we are part of one milky way which is by ONE star when there are millions and trillions of un known stars out there….it really makes you think. Think about how un-important you really are.

But then you think that the God of all of that, LOVES you. He quite literally “knit you together in your mothers womb” it really makes you appreciate how wonderful our God is 🙂

xx

{silence}

I think it’s really sad. That you can be really close to someone for the longest time, and maybe you said something to them or did something that caused it to slowly go downhill…but maybe you didn’t. Maybe you were best friends, and you just went for a couple days with out talking. Then gradually that turned into weeks, then months later you still haven’t spoken with them.

That is what I think is sad. And when you realize what’s happening you try to rewind and fix it. You put your pride aside, and you apologize. And try to fix things. Because you really, really, really, really care about that person. Then do you know what you get?

Silence.

I think that silence speaks louder than angry words. Silence hangs in the air like ten thousands pounds of dead weight. When you pour out your heart to someone, and they don’t even have the guts to respond.

That is sad.

Especially when they’re family.

This hasn’t happened to me recently…what? 😉

xx

I feel so awful and horrible that someone has to go through the same wretched thing that I did. It’s horrible whenever someone dies, it’s like the sun doesn’t shine and the waves don’t crash against the shore and everything loses all of its color and it’s all black and white and life loses its meaning. I don’t know much but I do know that four years later I’m still tumbling and burning.